First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
