this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
