When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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