I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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