Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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