They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
