a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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