There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
