so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do vagina's smell?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
