the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They took my balls.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
