Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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