I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
