I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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