cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
