I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
