i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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