are you so shy because you have an std?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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