Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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