woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
