I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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