It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
