I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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