dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
