I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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