we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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