Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I look better un-naked...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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