If that was your dad, he is hot
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
