she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
