You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
