my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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