I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
