woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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