Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
