Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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