this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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