having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
