The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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