Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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