How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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