You're my little dorito
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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