MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
