I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
