Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
