Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
