its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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