mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
