So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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