So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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