I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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