i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
