I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
