apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
