shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
