He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
