tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
