Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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