Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
